


School's a Lot Harder When I Can't Hold Your Hand

by 8ami



Series: Garrett & Cal [11]
Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Bram is a good friend, Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Gay Character, Canon Gay Relationship, Epic Bromance, Garrett is making progress, M/M, Other characters mentioned., POV First Person, Pan!Garrett, Pansexual Character, Pansexual Garrett Laughlin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-22 07:56:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15577311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/8ami/pseuds/8ami
Summary: School's just started and Garrett has to face the fact that he can't live in denial anymore about his feelings for Cal Price. Now he just has to figure out what to do with that realization. Hopefully, Bram can help.





	School's a Lot Harder When I Can't Hold Your Hand

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place beginning of September. School just started and it's probably a couple of weeks before "It's Not So Overwhelming..." 
> 
> No Beta  
> Minor Edits 2/1/2019

**Wednesday, September 6th**

The third day of school started an hour and twenty-four minutes ago and I have not been paying attention to any of it. I barely even remember being in Mr. Wise’s class with Bram, Simon, and the others this morning much less what was talked about. I figure it’s the third day of school, it can’t be too pressing. Besides, I’d much rather think about Cal than English or math at the moment.

Cal’s actually in this class with me. He’s sitting up front, besides Taylor who’s currently talking to the girl on the other side of her so I don’t feel too bad about not listening when I’m clearly not the only one. Cal looks like he’s paying attention though. It doesn’t surprise me that he’s a better student than me.

I’m leaned back at my desk, tapping an unsharpened pencil against the knuckles of my other hand. I’m trying not to stare, but I know I’m doing a poor job of it because Cal has turned back to look at me twice now. It’s just, I’m kinda hoping that if stare long enough I’ll be able to read his mind like he can apparently do for me.

It’s not working and I know I’m being creepy, so I lean forward at my desk placing my forearms flat across the surface hoping to stop myself. My shoulders curve inward as I lose focus looking at my hands. I’m flicking the pencil between my hands, back and forth in a steady rhythm.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I thought I had gotten over the idea of checking out a guy over the summer, but then I also think about who all actually knows I do that. I think about the lengths I go to make sure people don’t know I do that.

But I also have another problem and they’re kinda linked. I can’t keep denying that I like Cal way more than some fling or crush. Looking back, I really don’t know how I managed to ignore it. I mean Bram called me out at the very beginning of the summer about me handling it more than just some crush, asking if it was serious and I didn’t deny it. I said I didn’t know and that right there should have been my warning sign. But I ignored it, wrapped it up with figuring out my sexuality, and called it day.

I can’t really ignore it when I’m seeing him every day in the hall, in class, at lunch and all I want to do is reach out. Not even to necessarily to kiss him, but like to just hold his hand, be near him. It’s driving me slightly crazy. Which is something I apparently can’t ignore or pawn off on some other explanation.

And I think the fact that I have some deeper emotions for Cal might have been okay if Cal also didn’t have feelings more than lust for me. I don’t know how long or to what extent, but I know he likes me. Which should be a great thing, we both like each other. It’s a win-win situation. But it’s not and it’s my fault.

Hindsight is twenty/twenty and I can totally see all these times when I’ve clearly had to have hurt him over my denial, over my fear. And not just the obvious time with that stupid conversation while I was out of town, but also that time I went to the summer carnival with Bram and Nick, won some stupid plushie so that I could give it to Cal the next time I saw him and when I spent all day texting him, waiting on his response rather than do anything else. How had I not realized how much I had been giving him the impression of more, showing off those hidden feelings. And then to only to pull away and try to keep it all at a distance - I’ve had to have hurt him which is a thought that makes me all kinds of sick.

I think if I could figure out how not to fuck with Cal’s feelings, having feelings myself for him would be okay. Problem is I’ve been thinking about this for three days now and I still have no idea how to do that.

Other than coming out and asking him out anyways, because if I ask him out then I don’t want to continue to hide things like we’ve been doing. I don’t want to do that to him, I’m not sure he would let me do that - he shouldn’t let me do that.

So I could do that, that’s my answer…except, fuck that’s scary.

Just thinking about it makes me nauseous. I don’t realize I’m tensing up until my pencil snaps. I’m as surprised as the guy next to me is. He’s looking at me with the type of concern one has when they think someone they don’t know might do something dangerous. I give him a smile that’s mostly gritted teeth, before turning so that I can’t see him, embarrassment biting at my cheeks. I shove the pieces in my bag and grab a pen to keep up the impression that I’m paying attention to what the teacher’s saying.

Telling Bram was bad enough and I knew he would be cool with it.

But the payoff would be worth it - if I did come out and asked him on a real date.

I mean, I’m pretty sure he’d say yes, and Cal is real frickin' pretty with eyes the color of the ocean, hiding emotions deep below the surface. I like that his hair is just long enough to really get a hold of when I run my hands through it, and he has these bangs that he uses as a curtain to hide underneath when he gets embarrassed, except he can’t hide this one dimple he gets. It shows up when he’s really amused and laughing too. I like getting him to laugh because he tends to just smile and roll his eyes at me before giving into laughter like I have to earn the sound.

Leah described him as a cinnamon roll when he came up in conversation once and while I don’t really know what that means on the internet, I still think it’s a fitting term. He’s all this idea of southern comfort and lazy sunlit afternoons - soft lines, sturdy presence, and warm smiles.

And I have a lot of fun when I’m with him. We both enjoy watching movies a lot. Superhero ones like - Thor, Wolverine, and Wonder Woman - but he also likes to make me watch what he calls the classics but are just movies my parents watched as teenagers and in exchange I have him watch good old fashion action movies. I tease him about scary movies actually scaring him and he thinks it’s adorable that I cry during any movie about an animal.

Just like movies, I have better taste in music, but he has a wider variety on his phone and I like having his playlist on when we’re kissing. Though, to be honest, I just really enjoy kissing him in general. The ones he starts that seem to last forever are my favorite, but there’s also the quick kisses he gives me when he likes something I say, there’s the one that leaves both of us breathless unwanting to move out of each others’ space, there are lazy kisses that come in between the words we speak when we’re laying down together talking, and there are the ones that slowly build to us removing clothes.

I’ve learned a lot of things about him, too, things that I think makes sense, things I'm glad to have learned. Like that he does work for the local theater as well as the school, still behind the scenes stuff. His dad has been building sets for the theater since before Cal was born apparently and now it’s something they can bond over which is good because the other thing that his dad uses to bond with Cal is camping. Cal hates camping and a lot of things related to it, but he let me park outside the city limits so that we can lay in the truck bed to look at stars without light pollution once. I think I enjoy it more than him, but he still smiled while we were out there, even laughed when I kept making up more and more wrong stories for constellations. And while he enjoys being an only child, he’s a little envious of the relationship I have with my sister and her family because of how happy I sound talking about them, he says. He doesn’t believe me that I say Spier and Bram look at each other the same way my sister and her husband do. Cal also tries to teach me the piano pieces he learned for different productions, but I just end up showing him the Call of Duty and Halo melodies because they’re a lot more fun.

He tells me about the plays he’s seen and been part of - the meaning of them, the history behind them, the different versions of the plays that have been done over the years that leads to him talking about other things I associate with English class. Not the sentence structure, linguistics, and the different literary techniques of it like Bram can, but about different writers actual lives, public opinion of books or plays, and particular uses of subtext, similes, and metaphors that he personally likes, until he realizes how much he’s talking and gets embarrassed, before prompting me to talk about sports or things I’ve watched on Discovery that week while he keeps quiet. It’s cute, but it also makes me a little sad because it’s like he thinks I don’t want to listen to him which isn’t true at all. His legit southern accent is damn hot and anything that can make smile lines appear on his face can’t be a bad thing.

I like spending time with him and I want to spend more time with him. And not just in dark movie theaters or in his house or in my truck.

And I’m a fucking idiot for not realizing how much I liked him sooner.

And I’m an even bigger idiot for not realizing he liked me and for not realizing what I was doing to him.

I drag my hands over my face in frustration at myself as the bell for class rings and my classmates gather things up. I wait for a second, so mad at myself, before I get up too leaving the class last.

I catch Bram at his locker. He’s exchanging books and I should probably go do that, but let's face it this day is a bust for learning. “Dude, I’m an idiot.”

Bram looks at me sideways with a chuckle as he makes sure he has the right items for his next class. “Only sometimes.” He jokes and then adds more seriously, “You know that’s not true. It’s only three days in - you just haven’t gotten summer off the brain yet.”

“It’s not about school.” I correct and then add with a short laugh, “Though speaking of that, can you give me a rundown of what went down in English later.”

“Were you not listening?”

“Not one bit.”

Bram rolls his eyes exasperated with me, shutting his locker. We both have chemistry next, along with Spier and Cal, so I don’t have to worry about being late for my next class in order to continue this conversation. “Does that have to do with why you’re an idiot?”

“Yes.” And then I stall out, all my thoughts just freeze in place and I can’t reach any of them. I open my mouth, hoping they might melt and slip out, but nothing. My shoulders sink as I frown. Finally, after like three not so subtle worried glances from Bram, I manage,  “I just can’t focus on class.”

He doesn’t look like he believes that’s it as we walk into class. Spier is already there at one of the back tables and he smiles when he sees Bram. Bram is just as much as a sap back with his face lighting up. He’s about to sit down at the lab table next to Spier when I grab his arm, “Sorry, I need to borrow your boyfriend.” I tell Spier pushing Bram at the empty table across from the one Spier is at.

“Oh, well am I getting him back later?” Spier sounds like he’s caught between thinking this is funny and wondering if he should be worried, screwing up his face with this weird smile and furrowed brow that I bet Bram thinks is cute. It is kinda cute, I guess.

“Yeah, totally.” I throw him a thumbs up, which he hesitantly returns while Bram just looks at me like I’m crazy and completely amused. Then he just sighs deep and starts to unpack his bag which I take as a sign as him agreeing to listen to me more.

Now I just have to find the words. When that leaves me silent for a minute, I decide to try a new tactic and talk around the subject. “There’s this...person,” Bram’s smirk totally means he knows I’m talking about a guy, “and I really like this g- person. I really like this person, but I just kinda realized it.”

The bell rings as Bram turns to give me more of his attention. “Okay, so where’s the problem with liking someone?”

I shake my hands at him like that’s supposed to be an answer and when that doesn’t work I add, “well I realize I’ve been treating this person like I really like them so they definitely know I like them, but…” I swallow hard, sparing a glance to see what’s happening around us. The class bell has rung but the teacher hasn’t started yet, so most people are facing forward but disinterested.

Spier is definitely watching us and I note that Claire has ended up taking the seat next to him. She’s leaned forward across the table to say something to the table in front of her - Ethan and Cal of course. Cal is already looking my way when I catch his gaze. He looks concerned and I have to look away from him because that’s just asking for trouble.

“But no one else knows, huh?” Bram whispers catching my attention and I’m half a heartbeat away from saying Cal, of course, knows I’m pansexual because thankfully Bram had gotten what I was saying without saying it when I swallow the words down to cause panic in my stomach. Better there than out loud.

“Just you and this person know that…” I admit and then quickly push on, “but so I realize I’ve been treating this person as if I like them, seriously like them and they know that and they want that, but then I keep pushing them back like...like some kind of dick who can’t make up their mind or, or who is toying with this gu- this person’s feelings.

And the only ways I can think of to fix any of this is to either tell people about me and thus us or end this thing I have with this person, and god, Bram I really don’t want to do that.” I think I sound frantic, but I think that’s just because this is the first I’m said anything close to this out loud, much less to someone else. I don’t know it if sounds more or less complicated out loud. At the very least, I know I sound desperate with my voice tight and quick.

Bram is frowning at me, his brow is creased and he’s definitely forgotten we’re in class right now. “The obvious conclusion to your dilemma is as you said is to tell people about… all of this, so why is that not your answer?” Bram kinda sounds like he doesn’t really want to know the answer to that.

The question makes me drop my gaze to the rough black laminate covering the lab table.

“I want it to be. I’m trying - trying to figure out how to make that my answer...I think. That’s what I’m thinking anyway.” My desperation has run its course leaving my words increasingly more solemn in tone as I talk. I can totally feel a tension migraine starting to blossom in my skull from all this thinking and stress and worry I’ve got going on and I think about going to the nurse instead of any more classes today because running is something I do. I bring my hand up to my lips as if to bite my nails, but instead, I just let my nails dig at my chapped lips trying to bring me down to now and away from my thoughts and the pain in my head.

I sit there for a few too many heartbeats when I realize Bram still hasn’t said anything and I look up at him. His face is pinched around his eyes and he’s looking at me but distantly. I have no idea what he’s thinking. “What is it?”

He refocuses on me as the class focuses on our teacher starting class. “I’m just trying to figure out why you don’t want to tell people. Is it more than just your scared - like are you ashamed or something?”

“No, no, of course, I’m not ashamed of me,” and then because I think I’ve made Bram worry about something else add, “or you for that matter.”

Bram exhales out his unexpected relief, “I wasn't thinking that, but it's good to know you aren't ashamed of me anyways. This is about you, though, so it's just that you're scared? Because that's normal.”

“Yeah, I guess I'm just scared.” In so many ways, some of which I can't tell Bram about.

“Well then, if you’re looking for advice on how to do this despite being scared, the only thing I can really tell you is to find something you want worth being brave for. And dude, you’ve already told me what you want.” He claps me on the shoulder dragging my attention to him quickly. “So, just remember, being brave isn’t about not being afraid. It’s about doing things in spite of the fear.” Of course, Bram’s advice sounds like it comes from some cliche novel, no one but him really says those inspirational quotes in real life. He means it though and somehow it doesn’t really sound all that cliche at all.

“Is that what you did? Want something that made you do something in spite of being scared?”

“Yeah. Simon - _Jacques_ was worth being brave for. Is this guy?”

I don’t even care that he totally said guy rather a more ambiguous term. I'm preoccupied with looking past Bram to Cal. He’s writing in his notebook, but he’s looking bored leaning on his hand so I’m betting he’s doodling more than he’s taking notes.

“Absolutely,” I say looking back at Bram. He gives me this smile that’s more understanding and proud than it has any right to be, but I return the smile nonetheless thankful. Bram might not have said anything groundbreakingly new, but somehow it makes a world of difference coming from someone else. Like it might not be the worst idea, like it’s something that could actually happen.

So I just have to want something with Cal, want it so much that being brave is the only option I have. I hold onto that thought until school ends and I come home to both my parents off of work early. There’s no being brave today, but I’m not done trying.

**Author's Note:**

> Wham! Progress! I'm very proud of Garrett and coincidentally myself. I hope you guys enjoyed it! <3
> 
> I will get to replies in the next couple of days! I'm sorry I haven't gotten to it sooner. You guys make me so happy, seriously. 
> 
> Also I will probably edit "It's Not So Overwhelming..." to more accurately reflect things in this and previous pieces. Nothing major, just some lines that contradict what I've got going on now that I know more about what's been happening with these two. The plot-that's-more-making-out-than-plot will stay the same.
> 
> I have another piece - the next morning like I keep promising - almost done. I've rewritten that one like six times now trying to figure out where I want that one to go and I think I've finally figured it out. I've also got something a little more cute and funny planned that takes place later on in their relationship which I think ya'll will enjoy so hopefully I get to that one as well as the morning piece soon.


End file.
